The Most Important Thing

As I was praying last night, the memory passed through my mind of when I was very young in Christ. I was convinced that I was supposed to be a prophet. Mind you, I was only about 2 years old in the Lord, and very naive indeed. But I was convinced, and I was also convinced that others were being told that I'm supposed to be a prophet. So I would ask others, "What is my calling?" Some said they didn't know, and others said that I was called to be a prophet. It was exactly what I wanted to hear.

But it wasn't what I needed to hear.

In all honesty, I don't know that I can say one way or the other who God has called me to be. What I have learned is the most important thing: being you. What I needed to hear as a youth in Christ, one who was still carrying around  much baggage and speaking from the flesh, is that God has made me to be a very specific individual. Whether we're talking about apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, or teachers, their calling does not supersede who they already are. God has made you for who you are, and there shouldn't be anything else to tell you what that is.

When I was in school, I was bullied.

A lot.

It actually was something that was painful enough that I can't remember most of my childhood. I assume that my mind has actually blocked it out to keep from the pain. One of the very few things I do remember is at one point contemplating suicide. I felt absolutely worthless, and no one would care if I gave up my life. Then the people started going through my mind of who would care, my sister, my best friend... I couldn't do it.

What exactly is the most important thing? What is it that I know now that I didn't know then?

God has made me to be me.

There are certain aspects of who I am that I have put upon myself, whether good or bad. There are certain ways that I act and react, both being defense mechanisms. There are certain habits that I have created for myself. My likes, my dislikes, my personality, my habits, my opinions, and all other parts of who I am stem from something. It either stems from the core of my being, the essence of who I am, or it stems from my reaction to outside forces. The most important thing is to pull back the layers, however painful that may be, and look into the very heart. For anyone, whether Christian or otherwise, the most fulfilling thing that we can do is to live from the very center of who we are.

However, there is a catch 22 here. We cannot truly live from who we are, and who we were created to be, unless we are surrendered to Christ who made us. To live from that core, that center, we must be yielded to something stronger than that core or center. We are too weak to live out of our center alone. The result is what got us wherever we're at currently. The result of living as I knew how got me into alcohol, promiscuity, and rock n' roll culture.

Our callings do not replace the very essence of who we are. I would actually contend that the very core of our being is what defines our calling. Whether we're called to be a pastor, teacher, apostle, or some guy that sits on the park bench and comforts the man who called him at midnight asking for help, the most important thing is that we discover who we are and live from that. We are each a different member in a very large Body, and the beauty of holiness is found when we can be ourself in the midst of it. When we can function as we are intended to function, and we don't get picked on or run over by others who have 'better' callings, we are acting like the Body.

When I was young in Christ, I wanted to be a prophet because I saw the glits and glam of the so-called prophets. I saw the authority of the prophets in Scripture, and the relationship they had with God. But I did not see the suffering and the torment they endured. I didn't see anywhere close to the full picture. What I thought a prophet was at that time was only the 'good' things, and none of the 'bad'. That's why I wanted it. For my whole life I had been picked on and beaten down, and if I were a prophet, then I would be looked up to. I didn't realize that the prophets were also beaten and kicked.

God is unchanging. But why is He unchanging? It is one thing to make the assertion and say that He is God, therefore He doesn't change. It is quite different to see why. He doesn't change because He is free. Freedom is not defined by whether we are allowed to do something, or whether the option is available. I think in our Christianity we define freedom the same way we define freewill: to option to choose right or wrong, obedience or disobedience. Freedom is living from who you are. When there is nothing that hinders or restrains you, you are free. God is unchanging because He is free. He is who He is, and He lives from that essence of His being. He will never act outside of who He is, because that would be forfeiting His freedom. He is pure and incorruptible for the same reason that He is unchanging. These are all interwoven in a way to show you what freedom is all about. For us to find who we are in our essence, that we are made in God's image and have been designed by Him to live according to who He has created us to be, is the first step to ultimate freedom. Living out of the core of your being, that very core that governs everything about you, is freedom. To put something upon yourself that is not you, but only a reaction to the outside world, is bondage.

I would like to sum up with a challenge. How much of your life is lived from who you are? How much is lived from who you think you are supposed to be? How much is lived from the habits and reactions that you have placed upon yourself as a response to the outside world, but are not who you are? These things don't define you. There is a core that defines you and speaks as to why you act and react in these ways. It governs the decisions that you make. To live from that core of who you are, through the power of the Holy Spirit and the grace offered by the blood of Christ, is to find true freedom. Nothing else matters. If you run your life into the ground because you have been living from your center, it is well worth it. It is better to find yourself and live in poverty and isolation than to continue to live out a lie with many friends and many riches. I hope that this is something to bring the same freedom to the reader that I have found simply by pursuing this. I haven't arrived, but I praise God for the growth that has taken place simply for taking up the challenge.